Perhaps the least shocking news to come across the wires since pretty much the invention of wires is that the effect of President Obama’s speech on Republican politicians is to turn their bellies into volcanic pits of dyspepsia Yeah, it didn’t bother me either.

I would point out line by line what it is that upset them so truly and deeply, but to summarize it in a nutshell: everything. Republicans don’t even pretend to aim their fire at this point. They just hear the sound of a cracking twig and open up with the spraying machine guns. Hit anything? Naw.  

What I think I may have inferred from their tantrums, is that Obama’s speech reflected dangerous twenty-first century thinking offensive to their eighteenth century sensibilities. Safety net? Bah humbug. Communal investment in highways, bridges, schools, public works, parks, research and health and safety? The devil’s work.

The president lauded the integrity of Social Security and Medicare and vowed to defend the programs from people like, well, them. I don’t think this went town too well at all with the crowd that has had a price on the head of the programs since their very beginnings. Boo hoo.

And according to the rules of their tri-decade long starve-the-beast sucker play, taxes shall not be raised by the federal government under any circumstances whatsoever, revenue now a word as dirty as equality in the Republican lexicon.

But you have to get some painfully strenuous guffaws out of the individual responses, though.

Stephen Hayes, a prominent defender of all things Cheney and still claiming there are weapons of mass destruction in a gopher hole somewhere in the Iraq desert said the speech was  “One of the phoniest, most demagogic speeches from a sitting US president in recent memory. This after punting on his own budget. A disgrace.”

Being labeled disgraceful by Hayes is tantamount to Pee Wee Herman calling you out as a public masturbator.

Fatso Limbaugh said, “He didn’t even mention Ryan!”

Oh, the humanity. Watching Obama defenestrate Paul Ryan with extreme prejudice was sure to hurt a lot of Republican feelings and it certainly has. Upsetting as this is for me, I’m learning to cope with the burden of Republican pain with the guidance of my pastor, one of Charlie’s eight balls and several strippers 400 times better looking than those underwhelming goddesses.

Our good friend, the Honorable Speaker of the House, Mr. Orange, said, “Any plan that starts with job-destroying tax hikes is a non-starter,”

This is the same John Boehner who earlier this year said, referring to 200,000 government workers…and I quote verbatim, “If some of those jobs are lost, so be it.” John, they have this new invention: it’s called videotape. Ah, never mind.

A guy name Michael Tanner at the right-wing CATO Institute said, “President Obama’s speech today was reminiscent of Stalin’s Order Number 227 to the Russian generals at the Battle of Stalingrad: “Not One Step Backward.”

He certainly seems to know just a little too much about Mr. Joseph Stalin. Investigate the commies’ ass now, I say.

The Washington Examiner editorialized that in the speech Obama, “”resorted to Huey Long tactics by making a punching bag of ‘the rich.’

This is in stark contrast to Republicans who make a punching bag out of the poor. Personally, this is the  kind of clear, moral distinction between the parties I savor. Arguably it’s less a soft spot Republicans have for the rich than it is a wet spot.

If you find yourself detecting no immediately discernible relationship between the response to the speech and the content of the speech, then welcome to a little club I like to call the Round Earth Society. We don’t always understand exactly what the flat-earthers are trying to say in their own language, but we do have a helluva lot of laughs.

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