No doubt satirists all across our fair land hung their heads in despair today and asked themselves the dark question, “What’s the fucking point?” The Speaker of the House of Representatives, house Republicans and the head of the National Rifle Association outstripped any conceivable fruits of funny men and women everywhere, producing work product wildly imaginative in its cutting hyperbolic mirth.
First, and for reasons no one on the home planet has yet to ascertain, his majesty Boehner of Orange, rather than fritter time away in pursuit of budget deals with a President of the United States, and in apparent emulation of Tristan Tzara came up with something he called Plan B, which had no ostensible purpose other than to put on the official record that house Republicans refuse to increase taxes on any more of the wealthy than a fraction of the upper one-percent, and have a rampaging erection for mauling the safety net. Admirably suicidal in and of itself, house Republicans, smelling an opportunity to out-Dada the orange-skinned wonder made a strong, definitive statement that they are far too berserk to fall for anything that insufferably mediocre in its insanity. A simple announcement of their fratricide apparently insufficiently weird, they announced that they were turning the lights out in the House of Representatives and going home in a fit of spite and despair, the congressional equivalent in freakishness of an individual blowing off twelve of his toes on Youtube.
Along with satirists, Republicans caused investors to throw up their hands in despair as well, Republicans sticking it to granny’s portfolio even if they couldn’t get at her safety net with their bazookas just yet. And speaking of bazookas, the head of the National Rifle Association in an address to the nation in the wake of the massacre at Sandy Hook went nuclear on the rest of the population, the leader of the world’s foremost worshippers of weaponry deliciously scolding the rest of the country for its worship of gunplay. In the spirit of House Republicans’ vividly funny public misanthropy La Pierre also proposed the federal government’s arming of every citizen from cradle to grave, a kind of Marxist Vigilantism whose philosophical verve you had to admire despite yourself.
Having deftly set up themselves to take the blame for everything, Republicans left most of the country muttering, “Is this how the world ends?” Always the optimist, I can only ask Republicans, in something of a dare, “Let me see you top that?” For the first time perhaps in recent history, both politicians and pundits publicly admitted to having not the faintest fucking idea what may be coming next. If only for that we owe this bunch of cocoanuts a debt of gratitude.