REPUBLICANS ACCUSE GALILEO OF HERESY, CALL FOR REPEAL OF FIRE AND THE WHEEL

 

ALSO: TEXAS REMOVES ENLIGHTENMENT FROM TEXTBOOKS

Professionals in several fields, ranging from the behavioral sciences to theology to ethics have been summoned to an emergency seminar at the Washington studios of C-Span in an attempt to determine the degrees to which Republicans are, respectively: lying, pretending, uneducated, illiterate, victims of mind control, head trauma or low function intelligence quotients. Because frankly, when the rest of us hear what comes out of their mouths these days it’s as close as it gets to a stone cold mystery. What has happened to this group of humans?

If only for the purpose of pure inquiry and a better understanding by future generations of what has taken place, for the historical record so to speak, we must attempt to achieve some understanding of the potential causes of sudden mass rejection of human knowledge and inexplicable reversion to the world of the supernatural.

Or, when the world is upside down, it may be simpler merely to stand on our heads. Then, with our brains closer to the floor and our feet higher in the air we can ask some important questions.

For instance, why have climate scientists succumbed to greed and materialism, plying the lucrative trade of the Earth Sciences, and devoting themselves to the tormenting of altruistic members of the Petroleum industry who have taken a vow of poverty in order to serve mankind?

The conservative paradise is near.

Now that we all have our heads firmly planted in the linoleum, we can dismiss once and for all, the fairy tales about microbes and DNA and speciation and fossil records. There will be no more heretical talk about photons or anti-matter or stellar nucleosynthesis.

Finally, the menace of public schools can be eliminated for good. No more indoctrination of our children with anti-Biblical heresies; no longer will our children enter their satanic halls pure of heart, and leave corrupted by notions of dominant and recessive genes, blasphemous paintings and novels, our dearest ones suddenly so audacious as to challenge the perceptions and explanations of the world they entered with, returned to their parents despoiled and unmanageable.

The constitutional amendment of which so many of us have  dreamed, at last will become reality, codifying once and for all the self-evident truth that progress is for sissies. No longer will human beings be forced to pool their resources and organize through government in order to civilize and to  ease the blows of life and temper its harsher elements. We will be free to breathe the clean, pure air of primitive life, of every man for himself, able to feel the full pain of life without the overreaching intervention of the nanny state. The workhouse, child labor, a work place returned to its natural lethality without burdensome interference from elites and bureaucrats no longer will be merely a dream.

We can have it all if we reach for the stars: robber barons, deadly epidemics and diseases free from meddling by elites: greedy disreputable scientists looking only for their payday.  There will be no tampering with natural law and god’s plan when it comes to the freedom of our bacteria and treasured viral microbes, no longer shackled by the constraints of overbearing do-gooders and over-educated busy bodies with no experience in the real world.

Our private sector finally will be totally and refreshingly unleashed, markets allowed to produce corporations that will happily satisfy all demand for a reasonable price, for air (a little brown) water (a little brown) even permission to walk on fully privatized sidewalks for a sum that is such a fraction of our disposable income we will barely notice. The balance of leverage will at long last fully rest in the hands of our wise employers, who no longer will be encumbered by messy red tape serving no discernible purpose other than preventing them from paying wages only in amounts they are comfortable with. Workers will be freed forever to work for as paltry a wage as they are willing to accept, with no bureaucrats snooping around to see if they can afford luxuries such as proteins or vitamins or a dry place to sleep at night.

Upside down, the glass forever will be half-full, and no longer will we require health insurance or even health care. If we are sick the will pray for health; if we are thirsty we will pray for rain.

I have seen the future, and it is 700 BC.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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