Ted Cruz, Effete Corpse of Impudent Snobbery


Our hero hails from the Great White North of Canada, got his schooling at Princeton as an undergraduate and his law training at Harvard Law. The new, effulgent Senate superstar, his level of fame now somewhere between the Beatles circa 1963 and Lindbergh after he conquered the skies, represents the state of Texas, the go-to state for cultural laundering of preppy or blueblood bios and fancy educations.

For those not familiar, proto lowballing, gutter demagogue Spiro Agnew, Nixon’s Vice-President until he resigned as the result of a graft scandal from his time as governor of Maryland, specialized in throwing bait to working class whites alienated by civil rights advancements and the Democratic Party’s embrace of racial progress. This was in the early days of Nixon’s Frankenstein, “the southern strategy,” now the official Republican Party modus. Agnew once referred to his opponents of an intellectual and academic bent as: an “effete corps of impudent snobs”.

Thanks to an excellent profile of our new reactionary supernova by Jason Zengerle at GQ, we have learned that our hero’s snobbery ascended to such nearly oxygen-free aeries of pomposity that he refused at Harvard even to attend a study group that deigned to include  former undergraduates from “the minor Ivies,” presumably those other than Princeton, Harvard or Yale.

Yes, our Austrian school kook-cum-shit-kicker rolled into DC with the authenticity of the tumbleweed blowing into LA in the Big Lebowski.

Though Nixon was born with a similar cynicism deep in his genetic makeup, it took him years of practice and polishing to pull it off with effectiveness on a regular basis. As for Ted, his cynicism has emitted such a  heavy aroma it was sniffed out less than a year into his tenure in the public eye and Senate, indicating he was doing cynicism very badly indeed. In fact, Ted is such a preening and cynical dick, even his fellow Republicans regard him with repugnance. The shock associated with discovering such a thing was even possible has taken 20 years off of my own life.

The great man’s show-ponying Ciceronian presentation on the Senate floor inveighing against the only opportunity for affordable health insurance for millions of fellow citizens served two purposes: Representing Republicans’ impractical, antediluvian and asinine view of the modern welfare state with its gussied up parsimoniousness toward all but the one-percent; as well as being a personal boon to the megastar seeking the opportunity to lose eventually to Hillary Clinton. No doubt his stature in the eyes of the fulminating soreheads who comprise the Republican base was elevated even further into the astral realm.

In fact, not only for reasons of health or habits or genetics perhaps, our hero already has the waxen look of the newest addition to Madame Tussauds Tribute to the American Right, situated somewhere in the Pantheon among other iconic, wrathful, historically marginal, limelight-whoring dipshits such as Helms and Palin, and the now all but forgotten yet pungently lingering Bob Dornan.

Still, it is our grand, good fortune to have shared an intersecting moment of our span here on the mortal coil with this living and breathing  alabaster monument, Ted Cruz.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: