What’s so hard about simply accepting that the sun rises up every morning in the west? What do you care? As long as the thing comes up and shines its brightness on you and gives you its warmth, who cares if Republicans convince a benighted portion of the population that it rises in the west instead of in the east? If you happen to look up at any given moment during the day you can’t really tell if it’s coming or going anyhow, so why worry about which horizon it started from? It’s up there the same amount of time either way.

So CNN covers this as just another “partisan controversy”. That’s why they invented Grey Goose, even though I highly recommend Pernod if you are able to get your hands on the genuine version containing the ingredient wormwood, which will make you hallucinate so vibrantly the tea party North Carolina legislature will appear to have the same number of chromosomes as ordinary humans.

Yes, a newly hatched breed of reptilian demagogues seem to be squiggling all over Washington DC and the halls of congress. But if you think about it, Ted Cruz isn’t so much a slimy cracker fascist who overrates his own intelligence and the efficacy of cynicism by several orders of magnitude, but a sort of Texas version of affirmative action that ensures the number of imbeciles in a legislative body shall represent the proportion of imbeciles in the population as a whole. While some may say there already are far too many pricks in Washington, my casual observation of the number in the general population tells me that the current number in congress is only fair. Of course, I live in Hollywood.

Whether it is austerity as the governing consensus stifling jobs and economic growth; government’s de facto endorsement of gun saturation and gun mayhem; right-wing dominated federal courts, with a rightist congress blocking new appointments; a tax code and economic regime that enshrines income inequality and wage stagnation, and struggle for the middle class; inertia in the face of the descending crisis of climate change; the hegemony of the corporate welfare state; red state secession from Western Civilization; or a Republican Party withdrawal from physics, math, biology, history, decency, progress and three dimensions, if not from the space-time continuum and the Milky Way, for all practical intents we as a nation are living by the rules of a manifestly irresponsible, exotically ideological extreme, non compos mentis reactionary Republican right-wing.

There are two ways to deal with this: one comes in a bottle in liquid form; the other rolls into a blunt the size of an intercontinental ballistic missile.

The good news is that if you have long harbored an abiding curiosity about what failed capitalism would look like in the United States of America, austerity and the brutal sequester are the answers to your prayers, assuming the economic collapse several years ago whetted your appetite for more. Austerity is doing for consumer capitalism what polka music, dirty fingernails and bad breath do for seduction: stop it from happening.

Yes, there’s a better chance your head will catch a bullet or semi-automatic ammunition will aerate your thoracic cavity in a nation neck deep in guns and ammo. Were you really hoping to die from Ebola virus, cancerous tumors or the Bubonic Plague?  Consider the NRA another version of the Hemlock Society, humane proponents of euthanasia and self-deliverance. What’s nice about looking at it this way is that Wayne LaPierre suddenly radiates a beatific aura.

Okay, so there’s not really a grand Obama administration Benghazi conspiracy. But look how many insufferable tools have learned to pronounce Benghazi? As long as you don’t expect right-wingers to locate it on a map, or begin to vote to pay for security at hairy foreign consulates this is a net plus. And if you have to watch the painful process of people who don’t think particularly well thinking up and trying out dim, confabulated pretexts for trying to impeach Obama at least this one is keeping them busy for a while.

This can’t last forever. While overrepresentation of small, rural areas in the U.S. senate, House gerrymandering, and more Republican schemes for voter suppression, system rigging, majority nullification, democracy undermining and stabs at authoritarianism than Richard Nixon with a bottle of scotch and a slice of pizza right before bed could dream up will prolong the misery for a while longer, the demographic handwriting is on the wall.

This is as good a reason as any to try to restrain the nanny state from changing people’s diets. Have Bloomberg save it for the Europeans, what with their sauces, noodles and casseroles, and their lingering fin-de-siècle infatuation with mash and sausage. Decomposing members of the Confederacy who are keeping this plutocratic, feudalistic Goofocracy afloat must not be encouraged to change their feeding habits: let them eat cholesterol. Ferrying superannuated angry white shitheads across the River Styx ought to be a number one priority.

So let them put Intelligent Design in the textbooks for the time being. I’m kind of tired of believing in evolution anyhow. Eva Longoria evolved from an ape? Come again?