Reality’s Conspiracy Against Republicans Vast & Unmerciful

The depth of one’s sympathy is tested each and every day anew as our downtrodden Republican brethren are fresh victims of a renewed siege to oppress them. Doing the bidding of a nefarious concrete reality, the Bureau of Labor Statistics released the results of its two monthly surveys today, the Establishment Survey showing a gain of 114,000 jobs last month, and the Household Survey showing employment growing by 873,000, while the unemployment rate declined to 7.8%. The forces of cold and unfeeling Reality toyed with Republican emotions again, offering the devastating news to Republicans that despite their best efforts to gut-stab the American economy it continues to improve. Rooting for American failure seldom has felt so desolate to Reality-victimized Republicans.

Not the sorts to be victimized by such conspiratorial shenanigans in silence, Republicans far and wide, including former GE (and universal/NBC) chairman and clinically right-wing mule Jack Welch squealed that only dirty pool could produce such grimly inconvenient numbers, and accused with nothing as mundane as evidence that such shenanigans had occurred. This was a souring of grapes following quickly on the heels of accusations by these same Republicans that polling revealing that President Obama had opened wide leads nationally and in the swing states was the work of biased and dirty tricksters, Reality’s pollsters a treacherous lot indeed.

Admittedly, Reality long has had it in for the conspiracy- beleaguered Republican Party. Though claiming to be the party of small government, Reality has sandbagged the party unceremoniously with the statistical revelation that the last three Republican presidents made government larger as a percentage of GDP. A liberally biased and deeply unkind Reality undermined the Republican claim to being horrified by the existence of deficits (under Democratic administrations only) by insisting that the last three Republican presidents doubled or tripled them, in the most recent case converting a surplus into a budget hole. Clearly all but the blind can see that Reality’s behavior has moved beyond suspicion to the manifestly diabolic.

One of the most nefarious of Reality’s capers has been its unwillingness to yield to the Republican superstition that taxes can be lowered without subtracting from government revenue, economists and mathematicians clearly thick as thieves with Reality in the bloody plot. Likewise, Realty’s historians and statistics keepers have masterfully conspired to demonstrate that by every measure of the economy since the time of the New Deal, whether expansion of GDP, deficits or job growth Democratic administrations have been superior to Republican ones, though any fool can see the fix has been in for Reality, and against Republicans from the very get go.

And of course Reality’s scientists ganging up on the poor, poor petroleum industry, sensitive polluters and delicate anti-regulation mouth breathers by using rigorous science and professional expertise to demonstrate an undeniable and severe human-caused warming of the globe is one of the most piercing and maddening tragedies in the long, long history of tragedy.

How Reality conspired to make it look as though Republicans and Republican economics burned the American economy to the ground over eight years and caused the Great Bush/Republican Recession for which they would wish to blame Obama is one of the more opaque conspiratorial plots tormenting Republicans in the present day. The unfairness of Mitt Romney’s proposed Bush -o-Nomics Redux being judged by Reality as likely to produce more Bush-level rolling calamity is more dastardly than any Treadstone passage through the Looking Glass Jason Bourne strived manfully in his day to unravel.

Media, polling organizations, career government pros, the Tax Policy Center, voter registration drives, academics, economists, scientists, historians and other foul henchmen of Reality long have lived only for the joy of making life miserable for Republican flacks, hacks and tribunes of the one percent. How else but conspiracy could Reality make Republicans look so incompetent, dishonest and stupid? Keep up the good work Reality, you scoundrel.

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