WHERE’S A LIMEY CALIGULA WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Speaking of stupid aristocrats, finally with the royal wedding there is a reality show American news channels can embrace with something resembling a straight face. Even on the cable channels, it looks as though all chits have been cashed by the regular talent in order to get a junket to the royal wank. At least it gets Trump off the air several minutes.

Brits should be paying attention, since it is their monarchy and presumably they allow the perpetuation of this relic of an institution. And because it is the most high maintenance tourist attraction currently open for business. Bland is the word for Kate and William. Unless monarchial progeny are flaunting entitlement, rottenness, ugliness, wantonness, haughtiness, blasphemy, nudity, disabling intoxication and regally barbarous impoliteness what good are they to the rest of us?

Given that monarchs no longer have any actual responsibilities or even jobs, wouldn’t now be the ideal time for the British Crown to unleash a truly unhinged, debased, depraved and demented freak-O of a party animal? We’ve suffered enough lately with dullards. Charles is less a prince than another old queen…not in the sexual orientation sense but the old lady sense. He went to discos with eurotrash in the 1980’s before getting hitched to what’s her name. But discos were way over the hill by then.  Princess Di was just a bored housewife married to a sexually dysfunctional divot, which is not news and certainly not scandalous.

When did the monarchial sort stop in-breeding? It’s time to get pro-active again in the demented department, Royals. Doesn’t Willie Boy have a cousin minimally horsey-faced enough to nail in the dark? Otherwise, it’s up to Kate to knock out something deranged from her royalty-in-law womb. It’s not like there isn’t time. Every occasion you read about this crowd they’re described as off “on holiday,” and it’s like a whole lineage of George Costanzas.

If we’re going to care at all about this lot here in America they’re going to have to make themselves pornographic very fast. So screw with purpose newlyweds. Bring forth a spawn of Satan post-haste. I’d like to see the little bugger humping public statues and molesting animals by his teenage years, and fully committed by early adulthood to the traditional royal virtues of ravaging underage boys and girls, insufferable arrogance, non-existent physical coordination, staggering amounts of narcotics, inscrutable clothing-like items wrapped about the mortal coil, much and many varieties of sodomy and the occasional rape or murder. Old school.  

And remember, Berlusconi should always be welcome.

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