Life on Pluto: Debt, Guns & Greed

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It is simply due diligence to assign America the credit it rightly deserves for the mere lip service it pays to reality, rationality, and not incidentally, truth, as it sloshes around attempting, nominally, to govern itself. Indeed, operating at such remove from the tedious bounds of sanity is something to be proud of in a certain way. Yes, you propagandists of American exceptionalism, I concede, the place is pretty damned exceptional.

When it comes to those intolerable challenges of modernity, be they climate change, gun slaughter, health care or economics we do it our way. Steadfastly, we remain so bravely distant from other wealthy democracies in the manner in which we deal with all of our outstanding exigencies one can only admire that we do so with such bold and beautiful crazy insufficiency. Other nations, none of whom have anything remotely close to our level of gun homicides are home to insane people and to violent entertainment, they just don’t have the, uh, guns. Only here is it controversial to draw a direct conclusion from that. Only in America is it walking on the wild side of policy innovation to discuss the regulation of individual access to weapons of warfare for safety reasons. Yes, we live in a nation where proponents of arming everyone as a safety precaution are principals in the national debate, invited to august televised forums to declaim American history as vaudeville, and the mythology of cheap, paperback Westerns as safety policy.

For our Salvador Dali canvases of national discourse, for our relegation of empiricism and the tediousness of lessons derived from the storehouse of accumulated human knowledge to irrelevance, for our globally distinctive comfort living under plutocracy I hereby rename us Pluto.

Alas, the debt creators at last have discovered the root of all evil: debt! While Republican presidents double and triple deficits, throw surpluses out the window with lavish tax giveaways to lavishly rich Americans, all without a peep from those Republican hellhounds of hypocrisy and hari-kari economics in the peanut gallery, a Democratic presidency reduces them to wails and the gnashing of teeth over debt, while every American watching knows the bunch of slimy, sniveling, scenery-chewing dissimulators of humbuggery couldn’t care less about debt.

Only in America’s rarefied climate of problem-solving will an exotic species of anti-Enlightenment ideologues ruling the House of Representatives threatening the demolition of the world economy because of feigned concern for debt, be widely regarded as just another day at the Washington office, while unusual, yet legitimate remedies such as executive invoking of the 14th Amendment or the minting of the trillion dollar platinum coin are deemed TOO unusual. The uptake is that our flailing national debate is manifestly bananas by any rational measure of effective governance.

Admit it, but there is something fondly and warmly Disneyland about America discussing not the methods best for dealing with the ramifications of climate change, but whether there is such a thing as climate change. Indeed, it may be nothing if not quaintly American that our progressive president bequeaths us a budget deal sealing in 84% of the Bush tax cuts, along with sweetheart rates on dividends, and all but the abolition of the estate tax. In fact, one must face the actuality that it may only be one’s own constrained imagination that prevents one from seeing that in penalizing financial institutions peanuts for fraudulently and negligently foreclosing on millions of distressed mortgage-holders, or by perpetuating lucrative subsidizing of an array of high rollers in the fiscal cliff deal the banks and the global corporations are the little guy, and these solutions are touchingly Capraesque.

In any case, one cannot reasonably draw any conclusion other than that this is now a plutocracy beyond remedy, the fix is in, in cement, that the one percent and the financial and corporate sectors OWN the place. And observing the demented bread and circuses that pass for a democratic process now, with negligible if any import or effect whatsoever, one can say that at least they are more than serviceable as diversion for the population. In other words, the Plutonian future is, to paraphrase 28 Days Later, fucking nigh. Where else but America could you spend twice the amount of GDP on health care as every other industrialized democracy with universal health insurance, remain at the bottom of the international barrel in health care outcomes and still be sinking, yet entertain with credulity the pronouncement by an influential segment of the body politic that the nation enjoys “the best health care system in the world”?

Surely, as far as American history goes, this is an era that will live in infamy in the annals of clusterfucks.

Screamfest: Right-wing Science Fiction Coming to a Legislature Near You

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Mad non-scientists in the Arizona legislature and governor’s mansion have devised a remarkable method of creating human life prior to fertilization: pass a law. Yes Igor, that is one wacky la-BOR-a–tory they’re running out there. At least in Arizona the gestational period begins on the first day of a woman’s last period, meaning (wink,wink) the state may further restrict the point in her pregnancy when an abortion is permissible.

Forget “the war on women”: this makes sperm only incidental to the process it appears, or at least demotes its significance decidedly. Talk about losing potency. For all we know the next theocratic decree might declare all births going forward were immaculately conceived. On the bright side, it really takes the steam out of the contraception debate: Frankly, I always believed sperm was a hoax cooked up by high school guidance counselors, ministers and parents to deter me from having fun.

What is most shocking to me about Arizona is that they stopped short of dealing as creatively with the other end of life, passing a law extending life beyond death. At the very least the law should recognize you as still alive as long as your fingernails continue to grow. There’s two, maybe three more Social Security checks in that and somebody could use the money. In fact, if they’d just pass a law permitting one to make purchases after ceasing to breathe the economy could get a real boost. This seems like a stimulus package even Republicans could find favor with. It’s as easy as passing a law and signing it.

In Tennessee and Louisiana they have cracked down on godlessness and the liberal chicanery known in common parlance as science by passing laws allowing teachers to “explore the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses” of climate change and evolution. How I wish that in my day laws had been passed allowing teachers to explore the mathematical strengths and weaknesses of algebra, a legal remedy of great use to future English majors such as myself looking for less painful alternatives to truly inconvenient equations.

Again, why Tennessee and Louisiana have not taken the additional step of legally reversing changed migration patterns and melting glaciers, and undoing monster tornados and roasting forests remains a puzzle. One source of trouble they conspicuously failed to address is the Weather Channel. A ban on this purveyor of dubious happenings from cable lineups would go a long way toward creating a new and accurate scientific consensus. Making it seem as though weather is happening is liberal bias of the most insidious sort.

I’m all for codifying Intelligent Design as settled curriculum as long as it is accompanied by tort reform. If this place is supposed to be intelligently designed I’ve got some real complaints, and restrictions on damages have got to go. There is no end to the pain and suffering this flawed design has caused, and no small amount in damages punitive and compensatory is due. This is too scary a movie Tennessee and I want my money back.

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